Contrarian Medicinal Contrition

Tension, oscillation, surrender, ecstasy. One woman's lesson on spiritual awakening, and why you should carry a Canadian coin in your pocket.

By Hillary Keeney

Every longing of the heart was satisfied, every question answered, the “pent-up, aching rivers” had reached the ocean—I loved infinitely and was infinitely loved! The universal tide flowed in upon me in waves of joy and gladness, pouring down on me as in torrents of fragrant balm. The infinite love and tenderness seemed to really stream down me like holy oil healing all my hurts and bruises . . .

Those are the words of a Canadian woman, born in 1844, and only identified by her initials, C.M.C. Her spiritual awakening was originally reported in Richard Maurice Bucke’s 1901 book, Cosmic Consciousness: A Study in the Evolution of the Human Mind.¹ Despite the book’s title, C.M.C.’s experience had little do with an alteration of mind or thought. Her body was filled with vibratory elation and heart-opening excitation, something she recounted through phenomenological description largely absent of theoretical filtration and explanation.

In my experience the “subjective light” was not something seen—a sensation as distinct from an emotion—it was emotion itself—ecstasy. It was the gladness and rapture of love, so intensified that it became an ocean of living, palpitating light, the brightest of which outshone the brightness of the sun.

No one knows the actual name of C.M.C., the woman whose testimony arguably towers above many of the well-known founders of major world religions. We propose that her initials secretly point to what preceded her immersion into a “splendor and glory ineffable.” Her antecedent existential condition was contrarian medicinal contrition.

Prior to her ecstatic awakening, C.M.C. was in the following state:

I had been living on the surface; now I was going down into the depths, and as I went deeper and deeper, the barriers which had separated me from my fellow men were broken down, the sense of kinship with every living creature had deepened, so that I was oppressed with a double burden. . . . I felt as might some creature which had outgrown its shell, and yet could not escape. . . it was a great yearning—for freedom, for larger life, for deeper love. . . [with] strength gone, every resource exhausted, nothing remained but submission.

No longer trusting that she could be the captain of her lifeboat, and unable to reconcile the simultaneous presence of both God and immeasurable suffering in the world, C.M.C. surrendered to a greater power:

At last, subdued with a curious, growing strength in my weakness, I let go of myself!

Contrition is a deep reckoning with our own shortcomings, but more than that, it’s feeling our smallness juxtaposed with the unfathomable presence of divine mystery. But saying it that way almost makes it sound too lovely. For C.M.C., the process of contrition wasn’t a quiet, Instagrammable sunset moment of #deepbreaths and #gratitude. It was something more wild, confusing, all-consuming. Wonderful, but shattering.

Her ultimate release only came after she followed her yearning out into the woods, so to speak, past the sign posts of rational thought, and then handed herself over to Creation.

C.M.C.’s ultimate surrender made her tender enough to receive an “infinite love” that “streamed down like holy oil,” to be swallowed by an ocean of “palpitating light,” and engulfed by waves of electric joy. From her testimony we learn how contrarian medicinal contrition helps usher in the healing balm. It is the key to the exit door out of a small room (s)hell into the Big Room where sacred ecstasy awaits.

Maintaining the difference between any contrary enables a tension to be felt in the cord of relationship that connects them. Conquering one side to allow the other side to rule is what stops the vibration, drains away the life force, and kills the spirit.

When we do finally surrender, it must be to the whole oscillation, not to one side alone. In our contrition to contrarian tension is found the medicine to keep on living.

When Brad was given his final examination as a Zulu sangoma in South Africa, he was asked how he deals with good and evil. If he had said that he wants to destroy evil so good can forever reign, he would have flunked the test. (The Zulu didn’t know he learned that lesson years earlier as a cybernetic family therapist.) Healing intervention must avoid an over-emphasis on either side, but instead underscore the importance of tapping into the tension between opposites that is the pulse of Creation’s life force.

Behind change is found an oscillation. If you want to change, then oscillate inside a contrary. Bring on multiple contraries and a multitude of oscillations, all mutually intermingling and amplifying, and you become a forward-turning mystical wheel rather a floundering big deal.

When William Blake wrote, “without contraries lies no progression,” he was addressing practical spiritual engineering. Embrace the fact that you live suspended between hot and cold, heaven and earth, spirit and flesh, mind and body, excitation and relaxation, health and sickness, life and death, victory and defeat, and every contrary that defines all the crossroads of human experience. Then both hold on and let go so the oscillation, vibration, and movement create the friction and force necessary for the whole wheel of you to start turning in a new direction.

In case you forgot, you’re a mystical wheel.

It’s the constant ups and downs and all the way around ascents and descents, as well as the sideways swings, that make the circle of you turn and awaken a soulful life. Why land on a final answer when the question continues to change? Why settle on one question when the holy wind keeps blowing the answers away?

Rather than escape a trembling tension or try to calm it down, be altered by its altering and changed by its changing. The line holding a difference on each end is a rope. Your rope to God holds the oddball below (you) and the odd God above. Stop fighting these contradictions and learn to spiritually burn as you turn and go up and down the axis in the circulation of this one-of-a-kind, wonderful life.

Conduct More Current

As a contrary medicinal, the initials C.M.C. are also free to further change their meaning. The Canadian woman who was flooded with sacred ecstasy can be your spiritual mother. Consider her your Canadian Mother Change. Why not carry a Canadian coin in your pocket or purse and, from time to time, flip it in the air and discover what face it temporarily shows you—does C.M.C.recommend less head-trips or less re-telling of your tales?

Flip that coin again and this time wonder whether you should pay more attention to the glowing red antlers or eat more pancakes with maple syrup (Brad says “yes!” to the latter).

Note: if you find the head of a British monarch to be not-so-spiritually-inspiring, feel free to alter that side of the Canadian coin in some way. Tape a photo of a revered spiritual mother on the “heads” side, such as Our Lady of Guadalupe, Saint Teresa of Ávila, Fatima of Córdoba, etc.

Here’s our top choice:

Original black and white photo by Sylvia de Swaan, circa 1974.

That’s Sister Gertrude Morgan, a.k.a. Mamma Gertrude, the famous folk artist and mystic from New Orleans. (I published a book about her last year!)

Every time you flip a coin and land on Sister Gertrude, hear her shout, “Come on people, eat the bread!” right into your ear, reminding you that singing is what calls the Spirit near.

Do that enough times and you might accidentally discover that you can musically change. While it may seem uncanny that music alone is able to change your life, try it and see how easily it can. Whenever you are upset with what is going on around you, silently sing or internally hear a booming brass band, gospel choir, Cuban drum ensemble, or Beethoven symphony. It will remind you that, contrary to popular belief, you are not primarily a psychological being but a wheel made of rhythm, tone, movement, and emotion. Get those four spokes in soulful motion and see how quickly it can turn things around.

There is nothing in the universe to compare with it—such joyous repose and sweet unconcern—saying to us, with tenderest love:
All is well, always has been, and will always be.

Don’t leave home without your Canadian Mother Change. A clear mind clarifies more of C.M.C., as does cultivating mystery communion and conducting more current on your way to becoming a consummate master cooker. The more forms of C.M.C. you carry with you, the more life expands until you feel excited about surrendering each day to your ever-wobbling, teeter-tottering smallness in the Big Room of Mystery where the many faces, sides, and contraries of C.M.C. place you on the vast sea amidst the moving tides and rolling waves of sacred ecstasy.

Speaking of musical change, here’s a gift from Brad to send you sailing into the new year on a song. Turn it on, close your eyes, and let the sound effortlessly move your body around. For the next 6 minutes and 24 seconds, let’s let go of ourselves and take a plunge with C.M.C. into “eternal love, the soul of nature, and all of one endless smile.” Thank you, Canadian Mother Change!

Happy New Year!

Hillary & Brad

P.S. You can also listen to the track on Soundcloud

(Cover photo is Edvard Munch’s “Solenintro”)

1. You can read more of C.M.C.’s testimony of sacred ecstasy here or here, and also in our book, Sacred Ecstatics: The Recipe for Setting Your Soul on Fire. Consult Bucke’s book for the whole enchilada.