"I Am Departing"

A sentence to live by from the Zen temple on the other side

Hello Everyone,

Welcome to the new internet home of Fire in the Bones, the official newsletter of the Sacred Ecstatics Guild.

When considering what story to share this month, I flipped through the pages of last season’s Guild record and landed on a powerful visionary dream report from January 2022. It’s a Zen Buddhist dream through and through, which at first seems like an odd way to launch a newsletter on ecstatic spirituality and mysticism.

Zen almost entirely makes use of contemplative practices, but contrary to popular perception, its aim is not placid calmness. Buddhism is about waking up to our own impermanence, the absence of a discrete and solid self, and our complete indivisibility from all of creation. It’s startling! Not soothing. But it’s is also liberating and joy-inducing, just like Sacred Ecstatics.

I hope you enjoy this visionary teaching, which comes with a mantra or prayer line for remembering the brief, transient nature of our life. It also led to a wonderful exchange with my former Zen teacher at the Zen Center of Los Angeles, included below.

A Sentence to Live By

The vision below came down just before we started our first January N/omastery Month in the Guild. (N/omastery = monastery + n/om, the Bushman word for the sacred vibration.) It’s a special month during the Guild season where we intensify our daily commitments and connect more deeply with the Sacred Ecstatics “saints” on the other side.

We both went to sleep praying for guidance for our work. Brad specifically prayed that one of us be given a dream that would offer direction for our lives, and for my life in particular. That night I went traveling:

I was back at the Zen Center of Los Angeles where I lived for several years in my late twenties and early thirties. I was in the garden sweeping around the buildings, footpaths, and some of the small statues. Then I heard Roshi Egyoku, the Abbot at the time, coming out of one of the buildings with her attendant. They could not see me because they had not yet rounded the corner to where I was working. She was giving a teaching on the essence of Zen.

A thought popped into my mind, “I hope that soon the teacher will give me the next words to deepen my practice.” I was referring to the practice of giving a student a word or phrase to focus on day and night to facilitate penetration of the dharma. Some religious traditions refer to this as a mantra, prayer key, zikr, or password that keeps a spiritual practitioner focused and aligned.

As soon as I had that thought in the dream, Roshi spoke a sentence aloud as if she had heard what I was thinking and was answering my call: “I am departing.” I immediately knew she had just delivered me the words I sought, and the multilayered truth of the sentence pierced me, snapping me to attention. In the dream I understood the phrase evoked the departure of ego or self. It is also a reminder of the true context of our lives: we will all depart this world one day. 

Roshi then reached the area of the garden I had been sweeping, and the attendant stepped away. Now alone together, we both paused to look at the work I had just completed, and I noticed I had nicely swept and tidied around several small statues of various sizes near the temple gate where people enter and exit the compound. One statue was Jizo Bodhisattva, the other was the Buddha, and the other statues were the founders of the temple and lineage. 

Then Roshi Egyoku spoke again, “I would have been so excited to receive that sentence when I was young in this work.” Roshi said this with a slight tone of lament—and caution—about how spiritual practitioners are often lazy and take opportunities and teachings for granted. I was again penetrated by the words, ringing through me over and over, “I am departing, I am departing, I am departing…” Sometimes the words changed to “I am leaving, I am departing, I am leaving…” 

A flowerpot appeared next to me and I began pulling the old, dead stems and leaves of the plant out of the soil. I heard an inner voice say, “This departure is not something you can explain with regular speech. If you say something about this teaching, it must be done in verse.” The words of a poem began to appear in my mind’s eye:

I am departing.
In the meantime,
I’m sweeping.

Like a spent flower,
one day I’ll be pulled from the soil
to make way for new growth.

Coming and going through the temple gate,
like those who came and went before me,
I’m departing.
Every day, little by little, I’m going away.

The next day, I sent the dream to Roshi Egyoku, and she responded:

Dear Radiant-Vow,*

I love your dream and all that it speaks. 

Do you know that I have left the Zen Center after all this time? I first arrived there in 1978! About a week ago, I moved to Seattle to live with my partner, Eb. There is a terrific new leadership team. I will commute to ZCLA now and then. 

I am inspired to offer you this poem in return:

I am departing. 
Like those who left before me,
I’m leaving. 
Even as the temple gate knows no coming and no going,
I am departing. 
Laughing, singing, praying —
I’m leaving. 
The Ancestors and I dance together, and
I am departing with each turn. 
Every moment, this body is passing away.
I’m leaving, 
Even though there is nowhere to go and no one who is leaving. 

All love and blessings to you,
Egyoku

***

A few months later, Roshi Egyoku used our exchange in her farewell remarks at the Zen Center of Los Angeles.

I have continued to live with this phrase, though quite often I absent-mindedly let go of the rope and the words float off into the distance. With them goes my concentration, but also the unique aliveness and peace that come with remembering my utter lack of permanence, solidity, and separateness. Soon the familiar existential pang of losing touch with eternity returns, and mercifully the phrase will rush back in like a call from the other side of the garden.

I am departing.

In the meantime, there is always more sweeping to do.

Hillary

*My Buddhist name is Radiant-Vow, given to me by Roshi Egyoku when I received the precepts at ZCLA.